When I first became a children’s pastor on my first Sunday, I sat and observed how the volunteers were managing their service. These were college students with little to no training, just a heart for kids and doing the best they could.

Their stories and games were good. Their energy was excellent during worship, but they had one glaring problem.

Discipline.

The kids did whatever they wanted; whenever they wanted. I asked the leaders what their discipline plan was, and it was a convoluted three strikes and you’re out system, but the only consequence for any infraction was less candy. Essentially, a kid could misbehave all service and instead of getting three pieces of candy, they’d only get one.

It didn’t take much for some of the kids to figure it out and exploit it.

Rules and consequences were the first thing I changed when I took over, and the leaders were thankful.

I was a certified teacher and spent many, many hours studying classroom management. I knew their system was never going to work, so I put in place rules and consequences based on a generic set of classroom rules. I’ve been using that system with effectiveness for over 12 years now.

It just works.

Before I get into the rules, let me breakdown the thinking behind them. When I set rules, I try to think in generalities and overall expected behavior. Instead of saying “Don’t go on the stage,” I say, “Stay in your seat until you have permission to do otherwise.” This prevents kids from going on the stage, but also from just getting up during the service to do whatever they want.

Also, your consequences have to have weight and escalate for every subsequent infraction. This was the problem with the old system. They had the same consequence three times before something really bad (not getting candy) happened to them, but let’s face it, on any given day that’s a deal any misbehaving kid will take.

Here are my rules and consequences.

1. Follow directions the first time they're given.

I stole this directly from the classroom management book I was studying at the time. This general rule covers a whole host of misbehavior and distractions and stops you from having a list a mile long that kids have to memorize.

2. Raise your hand and wait for permission to speak. Don’t speak out or interrupt when a leader is talking.

This rule is common for any kid in any kind of educational environment. It also gives the child a clear way to express an idea or question instead of just blurting it out. In Large group this is a must, but in small group that’s built around relationship and conversation, I loosen this rule otherwise conversation never really happens.

3. Stay in your seat unless you have permission to do otherwise.

I’ve already covered this before, and I will admit this is far easier to enforce when children have individual chairs as opposed to sitting on the floor or bench seating. However, it still sets the expectation that I don’t want the kid running all over the room.

4. Keeps hands, feet, and other objects to yourself.

This is a classic kid problem where a kid can be staying in their seat and not talking but still bothering those around them by touching or even hitting them. I haven’t had this rule broken as often as the others (almost never), but it’s super helpful when it is.

5. No bad language or teasing.

Let’s face it. Kids can be really mean to each other. It’s our job to create a safe place for kids to ask questions, express themselves and grow. If they're afraid someone is going to make fun of them, they’ll never open up. This rule also helps when a kid with special needs comes in. Sometimes the kid does weird things that may be funny or just asking for others to be critical. This rule helps prevent that and honors the child who may not be able to help themselves.

Rules are great, but we also have to have consequences for breaking the rules. While each one builds, I reserve the right to jump up levels depending on the infraction. 

Here are the consequences.

1. A warning

Most of the time a child who breaks one of the rules did it unintentionally or just needs a reminder. I may even give a kid several unofficial warnings by reminding them of the rule. However, my kids know I mean business when I say, “This is your warning.”

2. Moved to another location

Many times, it’s not just one kid who’s misbehaving. It’s two or three. Just separating them will alleviate a whole world of issues and remove the distractions. I rarely have to go beyond this point in my consequences.

3. Moved away from everyone and your parents are told

This one scares kids. First, they don’t want to be isolated and second, they don’t want their parents to know they were misbehaving. Usually, I enforce this one after the child has been moved and they’re still talking and distracting others. Just moving them away from everyone removes their stimuli and helps the room focus on the lesson.

4. Removed from service and taken to your parent

I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had to do this in my 12+ years of children’s ministry. This only happens after the kid has been moved and continues to be a loud or destructive distraction. I also jump to this consequence when a physical fight breaks out. Which for me, thankfully has been extremely rare.

Just having these rules and consequences is not enough. You also have to remind the children frequently. This is where the school classroom and church differ. 

At school there is the same set of kids there every day. You can spend the first week or two going over the rules and expectations and after that time a culture has been set. Even if a new kid joins the group, they quickly pick up on the social cues and fall in line. 

However, in church, you don’t have the same set of kids every week, and hopefully you have new kids at every meeting. So, what I do, is make a funny video explaining the rules and play it before the service begins. I do this every week until I feel like the culture has been established and then lower its frequency to once or twice a month. Usually after promotion weekend, I run the videos every week, just to acclimate the new kids.

You can see my most popular video here.

Having proper rules and consequence in your group is vital and necessary to your children’s ministry. Without order, your children will create chaos and learning can’t happen. We still have a ton of fun, and the kids love church. The rules help us create positive and God-centered environment.

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